he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
