so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
