i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
