Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
