I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
