Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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