i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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