I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
