how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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