dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
im holly from the hills drunk
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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