some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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