Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize