you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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