I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
