May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
