I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
