Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
