Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
