Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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