hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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