Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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