I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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