Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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