we're blogging at a bar
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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