I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
