Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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