nut hugger
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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