I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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