i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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