Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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