I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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