Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
