i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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