I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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