There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
