I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
