I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Semen is not good for contacts.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
