M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
