ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
