I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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