You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
