Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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