I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
