I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
