i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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