I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
