It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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