if i can run in heels then i can drive
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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