Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
