From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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