I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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