Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Randomize
