Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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