I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
