I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
