If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
