I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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